
Okay, I know that post title ages me. That's okay; most of the people reading this are likely right in step with me on the age thing, and you probably recognized that song title....am I right?
I just asked my husband which band recorded that song in the 1970's. I thought it was K.C. and the Sunshine Band. He assures me that it was the Bay City Rollers. Darn it if Google doesn't confirm that my husband is right. He always wins these arguments. I have the worst memory when it comes to band names and movie actors. Luckily, I didn't have a bet riding on this one. I also keep Todd laughing when it comes to the lyrics of old songs. I usually make the words up as I go along. Next time I do that, I'll have to post it for all of your amusement. Shoot, I could probably start a whole new blog with just "Duska's Lyric Bloopers." That's a thought.
Anyway, to my original thought for this evening.
It's Saturday night, and I am anxious.
This is nothing new, mind you. When I was on staff at my church as the worship leader for nearly seven years, I would get anxious every Saturday evening. In fact, I would get nauseous and hardly sleep. I went through periods of feeling great shame about that. Where was my faith? How could I lead others in worship when I was feeling so.....well.....inept and unworthy?
Then, over time, God opened my eyes to a whole new aspect of my struggle with anxiety. I had asked Him to just take away the anxiety many, many times. Every week, there it was again. Then, Paul's words from II Corinthians came to life for me...
"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (II Cor. 7-9)
I think it would be easy for someone who leads others in worship to become very self-sufficient, even arrogant. As a worship leader, I loved to hear how people were moved during worship, or to get compliments on my singing or playing. My flesh tended to really eat that up.
Suddenly, I started seeing my anxiety in light of the grace and mercy of God. I'm not saying that anxiety is something to embrace or shrug off. After all, scriptures are pretty clear that "worry" is sin, and we are exhorted to "be anxious for nothing."
On the other hand, my anxiety did keep me from relying on myself as I led others in worship. It's hard to be confident in one's own abilities when your knees are knocking and your stomach's churning. Each and every week I bathed our worship service in prayer, and I pleaded with the Lord to have His way in the service. I really leaned on the Holy Spirit for His leadership and ability. I'm not saying that I was perfectly "in the Spirit" every time I led. But I am saying that the Lord used my anxiety to bring me closer to Him and to bring His people into true worship. How can I not be grateful for that?
I've been asked to help lead worship with Jerry tomorrow at church. It's been a year and a half since I've helped lead worship at Salisbury. Our church has really grown. There are now nearly double the number of people in the congregation. My chest is tight. I'm feeling a little queasy.
But, I'm excited.
I'm remembering how tenderly and faithfully the Lord met me each Sunday morning to bring me into His throne room to worship Him in Spirit and in truth. And I'm reminded that nobody ever remembered the wrong notes I hit, or cared if my voice wasn't up to par. They did, however, remember being drawn in to the Lord's presence.
So, if I need to feel a little uncomfortable in order to experience His amazing work of grace once again. I'm okay with that....I really am.
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (II Cor. 12:10)